Thoughts on Schedules and Flexibility

Thoughts on Schedules and Flexibility

So often we see a sliver of how someone else is doing life, and we think, there is no way I could do that because I am not patient enough, my house isn’t big enough, my kids would revolt, my budget won’t allow for that.  So we move on in our individual struggles without progress, overwhelmed and discouraged.  Or, we think because we have a completely different lifestyle or season of life, that there must not be any similarities or things to learn from our friend so we move on in our feelings of loneliness; overwhelmed.  I am the first to acknowledge the truth that we cannot play the comparison game or we will end up feeling defeated before we start; or worse, prideful because we are doing “enough” compared to so and so.  The world encourages us to be paralyzed in our progress through endless reels of a ten second moment of someones curated life.  But according to God’s Word, we are all supposed to be learning from one another, sharpening one another, bearing one another’s burdens, praying for one another, and so on.  Not with the goal of feeling superior, but with the goal of holiness, progressive sanctification, and glorifying God in whatever we say or do.  How do we spur one another on to love and good deeds if we are not in each other’s lives?  We try to learn by watching endless vlogs and reels on social media.  But we need a great amount of discernment since people can edit and modify their real life for clicks and likes.  It is not wrong to learn from good books or vlogs from people we trust; but that should not be the primary method of learning because it is one-sided.  When we sit down in someones home and have a conversation with them about how they have done something that we are struggling with, it is two-sided.  They are learning from us by having to give a defense for the hope that is in them, and we are learning from them by their answer.  An even better way to learn is to work alongside someone so we are learning from one another and accomplishing a task at the same time.  Since my goal with my blog has been to leave behind something for my daughters and to help others in their walk with God, I will attempt to open a window into how we live and how we strive to show that all of life is learning.  This is one-sided so I pray God will use my daily work as an encouragement to someone feeling alone in their work or overwhelmed by the task God has given them to do.  I would love for this post to open up a lot of conversations and invitations to come over for coffee or a laundry folding visit so we can encourage one another and learn from one another.  And if you are in a desert with no one to help you, pray and ask God to bring women into your life who will practice the “one another” with you, then look around your sphere of influence and find someone that you can encourage and love.

Starting my day with Jesus

Starting my day with Jesus.

I would be lying if I said that I start everyday with time in the Word.  Life happens and I get lazy or don’t sleep well or get interrupted 10 times before I sit down.  Sometimes I have to answer questions and delegate tasks to my girls so that I can have a few minutes of time to read and pray but my goal is to read as soon as I can after I wake up.  But I am convinced that time in the Word is required for my day.  When I say required, I don’t mean I now have an excuse for my day devolving before it starts.  I never have an excuse to sin.  I mean that my day is harder because I chose to be at the mercy of the schedule, instead of being the one to dictate the schedule.  I didn’t wake up early enough to fulfill my duties to my family and have time to read as well.  To fight this continual battle to sleep in, I must resolve to try again later.  Not next week or tomorrow, but later in the same day.  If I let myself think “I will read tomorrow” it changes my focus to everything else scheduled for the day. Over time, it becomes easy to let other things take over every morning.  But if I say, “after I put out this fire”, it makes reading necessary and it becomes the next thing I do.  For my season of life, that could be after I have answered several questions, comforted sadness, solved a wardrobe emergency or whatever other emergency needs my attention; but the habit of my mind is to find the next empty moment of my day and read as soon as I can.  Since the emptiest moment of my day is before anyone shorter than me wakes up, I strive to wake up before them by at least 30 minutes, preferably an hour but that is pretty ambitious for my season.  

Helping my Husband

My husband and I have similar goals in the morning.  We both are trying to read the Word and since I have a more flexible schedule, I try to field the questions and emergencies in the morning so that he has a better chance of getting to read.  Helping takes on different meanings in different seasons so it will look completely different for a wife who wakes up after her husband leaves for work.  My husband works from home so along with reading in the morning, he is relaying his schedule for the day to me so that I can be prepared for when he needs lunch or if he is going to need a quieter house for a call or if he is flexible to receive a visit from little girls who want to show daddy their latest creation.  We talk about that in the morning so that I can have an idea of how my day will go.  This means I will adjust my schedule to his as much as I can so that I can help him in whatever area he needs and then build my expectations for the day around that.  I talk to him before I make plans so that he can know what to expect for my week as well.  Some activities are set in stone like writing classes, or piano lessons.  But other than the things that are non-negotiable, I can adjust to his goals for the day.  My friends understand when I have to change plans or cancel things because something came up unexpectedly with my husband.  My first priority is being the helper to my husband.  All other priorities will fall into place if that relationship is running smoothly.  

Nurturing Four Girls

In order for the previous two categories to keep their place in my morning priorities, I have learned a few things that increase the possibility of a good morning.  My girls wake up wishing they were still asleep.  We are drawn to the evenings as a family and prefer to stay up late.  We foolishly try to wake up at a time that we should really only attempt if we go to bed early.  We try to get the girls to bed by 8:00 so they can have thirty minutes to read in bed, but that means we only accomplish this on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights (if we are diligent) due to our evening schedule and our preferences.  This conflicting timeline can cause a lot of turmoil if I then pack my mornings full of very strict deadlines and appointments to keep.  My job as a parent is to raise my children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord without provoking them to wrath.  Ephesians 6:4 (LSB) “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”  Our family lifestyle means I have to try to keep my mornings easy and predictable so that they are not provoked to wrath by my lack of preparedness or my hurrying them out the door.  My girls have five things to do every morning and knowing expectations keeps me from provoking them as well.  They make their bed, fix their hair, get dressed, eat breakfast, and read their Bible. The last one added only when they know how to read on their own.  Breakfast is kept simple as well so that I have the best possibility of reading the Bible while they get ready.  They all know how to make their own breakfast and it is the same few options every morning so they don’t have to do a lot of decision making.  By the time their five things are done, I have hopefully had a cup of coffee and a good chance of having some reading time and debriefing with my beloved.  Then we start the day together, whatever that may be.  That sounds simple because it is simple.  That process normally takes at least an hour.  I have tried to get them ready for the day in less time and it always ends in tears and catastrophe.  If I need them to be ready to go somewhere at a certain time, they need at least an hour of time to get ready or it won’t work.  Every time I think, “oh, I will let them sleep in a little bit”, it is never worth it.  They won’t be ready to wake up no matter what time I wake them up so I have to remember to give them an hour. Two of the girls are chipper within 5 minutes.  The other two take at least 10 minutes to be awake enough to even think of being chipper.  Thankfully God has wired them all uniquely and we have a variety of personalities that bring such excitement and joy to our house.  The goal of raising children is to find a way to not provoke them while also moving them through each day in a way that brings the most opportunity for learning about God so that they learn to fear Him and love Him and obey Him.  Deuteronomy 6:6-7 (LSB) “These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.”.  This should be the goal of every parent, not because I said so, but because God’s word is clear.  After that morning hour, the day is decided based on my debriefing with my husband and then based on the commitments I have already made.  I want them to see me prioritize God, then their Daddy, then them, then others.  Sometimes prioritizing them is prioritizing others so they can learn how to love one another.  Sometimes prioritizing them is canceling an appointment so you can work on a discipline issue.  You have to make those decisions moment by moment; asking God for wisdom every step of the way.  Sometimes it feels like I have no choice but to provoke my children on days that I just have so much on my list!.  But I am never forced to sin.  It says in 1 Corinthians 10:13 (LSB) “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man, but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.”  Plus, when all of life is learning, my list is shorter because I don’t have to include a list of specific book subjects that we must accomplish each day because I know I will get to those another day and we will be learning other things on those busy days.  We do “school” everyday, it just doesn’t always look like sitting down to do a worksheet. 

Building a Home

I am raising four girls so training them takes on a different flavor than it would if I had boys in the mix.  A large majority of what we teach our children is going to be “gender neutral”.  Reading, writing, history, science, art, and math are all neutral and should be enjoyed by all.  But my girls are also going to be responsible for helping their husband, managing a home, raising their children and creating a culture that is focused on Jesus and serving Him wholeheartedly.  They will need additional skills that are learned from days of watching and coming alongside me as I work and manage our home.  They will have experienced the trial and error of managing a home while I am with them to help.  This aspect of life is not curriculum based nor can it be graded or judged by external standards.  Their progress in learning how to manage a home and create a culture of serving others will be realized only in their adulthood as they begin that journey with their future spouse.  Suffice it to say that whatever I am doing, they are tagging along.  I make it my goal to answer all the questions that pop up during our time together.  If at all possible, I include them in my work.  I am cleaning, so they are cleaning.  I am making something, so they are making something.  I am getting ready for guests to come over, so they are getting ready for guests to come over.  I am _________, so they are as well.  My Pastor always says, “Repetition is the key to learning; the key to learning is repetition.”  By the time they are married and on their own, they will have had a lot of repetition in this area.  For those times when I have to delegate, I strive to keep the job at the level of skill for that particular child but the older they all get, the more they are all able to handle each job equally.  My house is never in a state of perfection, we just move from room to room doing the basic parts that are required for a tidy and comfortable home.  We do a deep clean of one room at a time when there is time.  My goal is never perfection since that would require me to never let anyone live in my house.  My goal is to keep life simple enough that we can keep things tidy as a team of 5 women.  Since all of life is learning, this will look different everyday.  The week I am writing this we are spending a lot of time in our garden because now is the time to spruce things up and pull weeds and redo what was overgrown by weeds.  Yet again, nothing I can grade unless there is a standardized test for how to make an English cottage garden.

Honoring Parents

My parents live with me so there is an added level of attention that we give to living in an understanding way with them.  Moving from a quiet house with your own preferences and food and habits into your son-in-law and daughter’s house with their four daughters, and dog, and cat, is quite a transition.  We have had a few growing pains but overall we have all adjusted well.  I know they are looking forward to having a little space of their own again.  And the option to have a quiet house if they want it.  Little do they know that I am planning to put one of our pianos in their new home so they will still have to have a couple of little girls come over each day to practice and liven the place up a bit. In the meantime, we are all dying to self each day and demonstrating to our girls the way children should honor their parents.  We are thankful for the opportunity to give them firsthand training in how to actively love someone in their time of need.  The time they have with their grandparents on both sides of the family is invaluable to us.  It is yet another area of life that cannot be graded or tested by external measures.  But it is an area that is worth every interruption and worth postponing any plans we might have in order for them to spend time with and learn from their grandparents. 

Schedules and Flexibility

I like schedules.  Schedules do not like me.  In my heart of hearts I want to be a slave to my schedule.  I want to say I will go to bed at ten and wake up at six.  I want to say my kids will be up at eight and morning routine done by nine.  Then reading out loud until noon then lunch until one then piano practice and bookwork until two.  Then free time to read or play or whatever needs to be done.  That would be my perfect world kind of day.  But reality is never perfect.  Someone calls for help in one room, and an argument breaks out in another.  Someone else conveniently falls back asleep but I didn’t notice until it was time to start reading.  In other words, people are people.  I have discovered that I accomplish my big goals (raising children, helping husband, honoring parents) when I am flexible.  I need to be able to pivot when life happens.  I am demonstrating my faith to those around me when I can respond with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Instead of being a slave to my schedule, I strive for routines that can be flexible and adjust to whatever comes up.  The difference between these two ways of thinking is subtle.  It is more of a shift in your mindset rather than just pretending there is no clock or to do list.  How do I respond when my plan is interrupted?  Am I derailed?  Do I make room for interruptions?  Do I have time to be inconvenienced?  To live with a flexible mindset often means I don’t have time for leisure on a normal day until kids are in bed.  This also means that I typically don’t sit down all day unless I am reading or need to do computer work because flexibility doesn’t mean I don’t have things to do, it just means that I am going to do what I need to do as well as whatever the interruption was.  If I feel like I am getting exhausted, I set a timer for thirty minutes and take a nap, or I have another cup of coffee if a nap is not feasible.  But on the whole, I am busy with a life of loving others and raising my children. The areas of life that are not easily graded tend to be the most important.  Most of our life is not something that could be judged on a scale or determined to be a passing grade from a special test. I want my girls to learn from me and then go even further as they live for Jesus.  Life is in the interruptions and the unexpected and I pray it will all be for the glory of God.