Do Something Hard

Do Something Hard

I have been mulling this over for a while, so this post will be longer than others.  We had a snowpocalypse and in the midst of that we had to navigate some new health issues with my Dad.  Needless to say, I have many good excuses for taking a few weeks off but I am making up for it with a bit of a long one.  

My husband recently got a motorcycle, as you may remember from a previous post.  It has had a seemingly peculiar effect on some of his choices, ever since.  The first day he had the opportunity to ride he drove it on the back roads all the way to Boonville as I followed along in the SUV.  Let’s just say I will never follow him in the SUV again.  He is an excellent driver, but the amount of praying required on my part was distracting.  I kept thinking, “What if he crashes right in front of me!”.  So I kept praying every time that thought crept in.  Needless to say, his ride was uneventful, and he did not crash.  The ride home from Boonville, however, was not so uneventful.  Just a short way down the road, the heavens opened up for a torrential downpour.  Talk about an act of faith in the sovereignty of God.  He persevered until the lightning started and then pulled over and loaded the bike on a trailer I was pulling.  It all worked out well; we had a fun story to tell of the time we were soaked to the bone on his second ride on the motorcycle.  And he could say he had ridden in a rainstorm.  

This leads me to the “seemingly peculiar effect on some of his choices”.  He has since then, decided to ride his motorcycle almost anytime he has to go somewhere alone.  Rain, snow, wind, cold, heat, it has not changed his resolve.  The exceptions being the few single digit temps we have had or the lack of storage to bring something back from the store.  When I asked him why he was so determined to do that when he had the option to drive the SUV, his answer made me realize that the effect wasn’t so peculiar after all.  He wanted to test his limitations and see if he could ride in all weather.  He wanted to push himself outside of his comfort zone.  He wanted to force himself to be uncomfortable and then persevere through that.  In short, he wanted to exercise his masculinity and do something hard.  

With very few exceptions, women are not prone to think like this.  We don’t strive to make ourselves uncomfortable so that we can persevere through it and thus prove to ourselves that we are able to handle adversity or learn our limitations so as to push past them.  This is a masculine desire and mindset.  It is what enables a man to work hard to provide for his family day after day.  That masculine drive is what enables a man to jump into a dangerous situation to protect someone he loves.  So why do we have a severe absence of masculine men nowadays?  Where are the providers?  Where are the protectors?  Where are the leaders?

Masculine vs. Feminine.

I would venture to say that feminism has brought out the worst in men.  Our demand for equality and superiority has enabled men to relinquish that role of provider and protector and leader.  But now that we are on the other side by several decades, we are seeing that women can’t do it all.  Blurring the differences between boys and girls has brought confusion and a lack of knowledge to our culture.  Blurring the differences removes what is distinct about each one so that now we don’t know what is wrong with little Johnny because he can’t sit still for more than five minutes unless he is playing a video game, and he wants to constantly destroy his toys and take things apart.  His boundless energy is seen as a problem instead of an incredible force to be directed and aimed in a constructive direction.  I think the difference between a forest fire and a coal burning power plant would illustrate my thoughts pretty well.  His insatiable curiosity is a design from God; a feature, not a flaw.  The problem isn’t Johnny, it is the world teaching every parent that they should medicate and distract little Johnny from thinking for himself until he acts like a mindless zombie with no motivation and no drive to do anything.  Men are not defective women.  Blurring the differences makes us encourage little Suzy to be whatever she wants to be.  Anything Johnny can do, Suzy can do better and being a wife and mom isn’t even an option to consider.  Never mind that being whatever she wants to be takes so much time during the best years for getting married and starting a family; she can always do that later if she wants to.  But later sometimes comes with fertility issues, and feelings of guilt for wasting her time doing other things before she realized that she doesn’t want to be like Johnny, she wants to be Suzy.  Something always suffers when we try to do everything a man can do along with everything we were designed to do.  We do not have the ability to be everything a man can be, and that’s ok because God made one of each kind.  Male and female.  

What Happened?

The curse happened.  We are fallen creatures.  Cursed by sin.  God is kind to us and gives us His Spirit at the moment of salvation.  He gives us His Word to guide us as we walk through life. But the curse brought a rivalry between men and women and we lost the beauty in what God originally created.  When God saves us, He gives us the principles to obey that will reflect the beauty of His creative plan.  If we are not renewing our minds with the Word then we will easily believe the message from the world and Satan that there is no difference between men and women.  We don’t have to go very far in God’s Word to notice the differences.  He said to the woman “I will greatly multiply your pain and conception, in pain you will bear children; your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” Gen. 3:16 (LSB) According to this verse, we are different because women are the only ones who can bear children and we are the ones in submission when we wish we could be in charge.  To the man he said “Cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you will eat of it all the days of your life.  Both thorns and thistles it shall grow for you; and you will eat the plants of the field; by the sweat of your face you will eat bread, till you return to the ground, because from it you were taken; for you are dust and to dust you shall return.” Gen. 3:17b-19.  Men are responsible for the provision for the family and ruling over creation so as to subdue it.  They are uniquely capable to fulfill this role and women are uniquely capable to fulfill their role of wife and mother.

So what do we do about it?

I see many women who are striving to honor God by leaning into their feminine role and glorifying God by being the glory of man as it states in 1 Cor. 11:7-9 (LSB) “for a man ought not to have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God, but the woman is the glory of man.  For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man.  For indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.”  We need to demonstrate this biblical womanhood to our girls so they can do the same with their children and excel still more.  God is so merciful to us and so patient.  He sets us apart for these good works and we must always be in awe of his kindness.  Eph. 2:4-7 (LSB) “But God, being rich in mercy because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.”  But this is a hard fought battle against flesh and sin.  We don’t lean in and work hard at something that the world condemns if our desires have not been transformed by the Holy Spirit.  We must pray for wisdom and then walk in the wisdom we find from His Word and fellow believers.  When we practice godly womanhood, we set an example for others.  We must understand the role we are designed for and not grow discontent with the work we have been given.  God did not assign half of the worlds population to a life of drudgery and misery while the other half gets to do the meaningful work.  And His solution to discontentment in your role is not “I must have assigned you the wrong role”, it is to study His Word and you will learn to rejoice in the work He has given you to do.  We have a lot of “un-learning” to do. 

What does the Bible say?

God gives us timeless principles in His Word that apply to all families everywhere.  We learn in Prov. 14:1 (LSB) “The wise woman builds her house, but the woman of folly tears it down with her own hands.”  This verse teaches us about the role a woman has in creating a home or in destroying a home.  The ability to create a place of comfort, rest, protection, and grace is a gift of women.  But in the same way we have the ability to destroy all peace, and make it a place like Prov. 21:9 (LSB) “It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” The same principle is stated two more times in Proverbs as a warning to a son choosing a wife.  Contentious according to the Webster’s Dictionary means “exhibiting an often perverse and wearisome tendency to quarrels and disputes”.  In contrast, we learn in 1 Peter 3:1-4 (LSB) to be humble and quiet when we want to win our husbands, not argumentative.  “In the same way, you wives, be subject to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, as they observe your pure conduct with fear. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on garments; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible quality of a lowly and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.”  The beauty of these verses is that when we obey God, we will be going against the flesh; against the curse and toward being conformed to His image.  He will give us the strength and we can praise Him when we obey His Word, rather than our flesh. 

What does this look like in real life?

When I am asked this question, sometimes it is hard to put a real life application in place because we are all in such different circumstances with different husbands and different children, etc.  That is the beauty of comparing yourself to God’s standard, instead of the standard of other families.  We each are called to Titus 2:3-5 (LSB) “Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good,so that they may instruct the young women in sensibility: to love their husbands, to love their children, be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be slandered.” This set of verses is so practical.  Each area it describes is so clear yet leaves a lot of room for the creativity of each wife for her family.  I will tell you a little bit about what it looks like in my life but keep in mind the variety and creativity that God displays in each family.  This is just my effort to make it practical.  

“Love their husbands”

Loving my husband means being available to him when he needs my help, keeping our family calendar very simple, listening to him when he explains how something works, laughing at his dad jokes, teaching our girls from home, managing the finances, scheduling appointments, hosting a small group Bible study in our home, making and keeping traditions, thinking about dinner before it is dinner time, having clean laundry somewhere near the place he gets dressed, asking him what he thinks about a question or decision I am going to make, encouraging him in his walk with God, keeping track of family activities, counseling with him, bringing him lunch. The list goes on and on.  Communication is crucial because I sometimes forget that I am not living my own life; I am the glory of man so I am submitting to my own husband which means I am living this life with him so he gets the final word in our home.  I love him by being self-controlled instead of constantly taking over when he is not leading.  So many times I can remember biting my tongue when I thought I knew what was best.  I would remind myself that God has given my husband the leadership role, even if he is not doing it the way I would prefer.  I had a question from a new wife long ago, and she was genuinely confused by the idea of the husband being the spiritual leader of the home.  She had been saved longer and knew more about the Bible so why should she have to let her husband lead.  God doesn’t give the roles according to best in show or highest score.  He gives the roles based on the woman being the weaker vessel and the man being the head of the woman. 1 Peter 3:7 and 1 Tim. 2:12-14 (LSB).  I have found over and over again that when I try to manipulate or persuade my husband to change his mind, the result is always tainted or in some cases, completely wrong.  Just because I think I know the right answer, doesn’t mean I get to do what I want or worse, completely run over the top of my husband and usurp his authority.  Submission and respect are the ultimate ways that I show love for my husband.

“Love their children”

To love my children I try to treat them as individuals, not a collection that I can raise as a single unit.  I love them when I think outside the box that the world has for them, and I push them to do hard things.  Not the hard things a boy is meant to do, but the hard things a girl is meant to do.  They don’t need a day filled with busy work.  God created children to learn and grow.  One of the only verses we have about Jesus’s childhood is describing how He grew in “wisdom and stature and in favor with God and men.” (Luke 2:52 LSB)  He should be our example even in this area of life.  The world says let them be kids as long as possible because becoming an adult is the end of everything wonderful about life.  But the Bible does not glorify childhood as something to be held onto.  We want to be like the one described in 2 Tim. 2:15 (LSB) “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth.” I show love for my girls when we work hard together and we are stretched to the limit of our abilities so we can grow skills that are beneficial to our families.  Not skills that they find out later were useless “busy” things to keep them out of the way.  I love them by paying attention to long conversations about whatever they have on their mind; this is where the need for a lot of time is most apparent.  Children don’t operate on a convenient schedule.  To love my children, I need to spend time with them.  I love them by constantly pointing them to the Gospel and the love of God.  I discipline them with love; to raise them in the fear and admonition of the Lord.  I desire to set their minds on things above.  Again, the list goes on and on.  Since I am raising only daughters, our training is very oriented toward godly womanhood.  I encourage them to embrace their role and I try to grow their desire to be a wife and mother.  The curse will naturally compel girls to want to do the things a boy does.  So when they tell me all the dreams they have of what they want to be when they grow up, I remind them of the best job in the world of being a mom.  How confusing it would be if we were to raise our children to never want to be the person God designed them to be!  If I tell my daughters, “It’s ok if I am a wife and mom but I want you to do more with your life,” I’m sending the wrong message. 

“Workers at home”

Have you ever walked into a home where you could tell that they had taken time to make it a home?  They had spent time cleaning, decorating, and arranging things so that it was the best use of space and money.  It was comfortable to be in, and nothing was missing.  The kids were clothed, there was food in the fridge.  There was a peaceful atmosphere.  That was a home that was created on purpose.  The home is the place where women show off their skills in a huge variety of ways.  The other day one of my girls had made a list of possible occupations that she was interested in becoming (we have list lovers in our home).  Other than astronaut, I was able to recognize a piece of my job as a wife and mom in every other profession she chose.  Doctor, chef, artist, hair-dresser, photographer, secretary, teacher, and there might have been a few more that I can’t remember.  I told her, “it sounds like you want to be a wife and mom!  That is wonderful, and I hope all of my girls want to do that; it’s what God designed us to be!”.  She looked at me with a very confused expression until I explained to her how I do parts of each of those jobs.  She got the joke after that, but it really is the truth of being a wife and mom.  Women are able to switch hats from moment to moment and keep track of multiple streams of thought all at once.  The Proverbs 31 woman is a good example of this.  Not as a comparison to see if we are copying her in every specific area of life, (remember God’s creativity).  Not everyone is meant to have a home business but the principles in Proverbs are clear: be a woman who fears God, love your husband, work hard, care for your children, provide a home full of food, wisdom, clothing, and kindness. This work is hard and time consuming, but rewarding.  It is tempting to “eat the bread of idleness” (Prov. 31:27 LSB), but “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man, but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” 1 Cor. 10:13 (LSB) .  If you cannot tell God “thank you for allowing me to do ______” then it is not what you should be doing.  How we manage our home is a reflection of so many things.  It is the outward expression of how our husband is leading and providing; how we are parenting and raising our children; but ultimately how we are growing in sanctification.  Why does the world and Satan want to destroy the home?  Why the desire to make wives and mothers feel like second class citizens?  Why the desire to condense what a wife and mother does to “just stays at home”.  Because the world and Satan know that the role of the woman is so valuable that they kill two birds with one stone if the woman goes off into the role of the man and forsakes her God-given role as a wife and mother.  The man is destroyed and the woman is destroyed by blurring the differences and destroying the beauty of the different roles we are assigned.  

Do something hard.

Fulfilling the role of wife and mother is hard work.  We see that in Proverbs 31:10-31.  She is up before the sun and her candle burns into the night.  But when we look deeper into our own culture, we see that the hard we are all faced with in our current day is often times the self-imposed standard that we have placed on our lives because we want to feel like we are doing something more than “just working at home”.  So we fill our days with playdates, over the top crafting sessions, extremely busy schedules full of extracurricular activities, and the latest gadget to cut your cleaning time in half.  We have decided to spend most of our time away from home and distracted by the world!  We spend a lot of time finding ways to cut our workload down so that we can have “me time”.  We spend a lot of time figuring out how to keep our children occupied and distracted so we don’t have to deal with the hard sin issues.  We spend a lot of time doing “hard” things that won’t actually bring any eternal value.  I am not saying that dishwashers and robot vacuums are bad.  I have both of these things in my home.  But if these appliances are in my home because I hate working and I am trying to replace myself with robots, then that is a problem.  Having helpers like washing machines does not replace my work but it does free up time for other good things, not “me time”.  There is always a need for more attention to the souls of my children.  There is always a need for more attention to my bible and prayer time and good books.  If I can become more efficient and simplify my workload of laundry each day, great!  But not for selfish ambition, but for the glory of God and to bring more opportunity for the other good works He has planned for me.  Do something hard based on God’s standards, not based on the trad-wife worldly standards of our day.  Do the hard work that a woman was designed to do and do it to the glory of God.