“You let your husband buy what?
I laugh as I type this because that was the question several people asked when they found out my husband bought a motorcycle. We are a family of eight. We have four girls and my parents live with us as well. My husband is the “breadwinner” and leader of our home. I am the helper and maker of our home. How could he do something that is so risky with so many mouths to feed! I laugh because I remember my response as well. “I didn’t know it was an option to tell him what to do?!” It is funny and the exchange was lighthearted but it brings up a topic I want to talk about and maybe encourage other wives who encounter similar questions. I love to watch how people live and work and raise kids and stay married. If I can save myself some time and difficulties by learning from other people then that is time well spent. That being said, whenever I see a marriage that is honoring God, I tend to see some common themes. The husband and wife are pursuing godliness as individuals and each of them has a clear understanding of biblical roles in marriage. This is not an easy task but it is worth the effort. In the long run, those families have homes that honor God by their hospitality, their children are blessed by their example, and they have opportunities to minister to people in their community.
Where do I start?
For our understanding of biblical roles to be lived out practically, we always begin with scripture and prayer, asking God to open our eyes to our need of obedience. None of this is accomplished in our own strength. It is all of Christ and all glory goes to Him when we grow in sanctification. We don’t seek a new way or a better way. We seek the truth only found in the Bible. When we limit ourselves to the scriptures, we find very clear instructions about our role as women. We have a job to do as women and it is ordained by God. Knowing that our identity and purpose comes from Him is so freeing. I don’t have to find value in what the world thinks is valuable. I don’t have to conjure up good vibes about my role. I don’t have to fight against my husband to usurp him. I GET to live as a woman of God. God gets to tell me what that looks like.
What are some of my instructions?
As wives, we are given practical instructions from Peter. We are instructed to “be subject to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives as they observe your pure conduct with fear. Your adornment must not be merely external-braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on garments; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible quality of a lowly and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.” 1 Peter 3:1-4 (LSB). I would say that those verses are a good start for us as we discuss this topic. Many other verses in the Bible show us qualities of godly wives but I will focus on these verses for now.
Clarifying the instructions.
Being subject to my own husband means I don’t have to be subject to every man, just my husband. Our submission to our own husband is a practical demonstration of our trust in God. The next part of the verse is sometimes the hardest part but when we obey, it brings such blessing. Win without a word eliminates manipulation, nagging, yelling, gossiping, pride-filled responses or reactions. For him to observe your pure conduct with fear requires you to focus on your own heart and deal with your own sin. It is a difficult command but necessary. It leaves room for the Holy Spirit and other godly people to speak truth to your husband; it will clearly demonstrate the power of God in your life when you exhibit a lowly and quiet spirit that is not frazzled or worried by your husbands sin. You are trusting in the almighty Creator of the universe! Your obedience to God removes a lot of the excuses your husband can use for his sin. “My wife won’t leave me alone about it.” “She does whatever she wants to anyway so why do I even bother?”. “There’s no reasoning with her.” When it is all said and done, we have to trust God and obey His Word. “Trust and obey, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus.” John H. Sammis
Common objections and responses.
At face value, these verses go against the natural desire of our flesh. “Without a word? How can you get him to do what you want without telling him what to do?” This submission, pure conduct, fear of God, and quiet spirit, does not come naturally. We naturally want to be in charge or manipulate to get our own way. But in Christ, we have a new nature. The old is gone, the new has come. He has taken out our heart of stone and put in a heart of flesh. We can do nothing in our own strength. We are sinners in need of a Savior. We depend fully on Him to make us more like Jesus. Instead of thinking “So I just have to be a door mat? He gets to walk all over me?” We should think “I am the lump of clay and I can’t say to the Potter ‘Why have you made me like this?’”. The husband has his own list of instructions that are not dependent on him having a submissive wife just like our instructions are not dependent upon having a husband who does whatever we want. We all have our own obedience to walk in. I can only work on my heart and my actions, and I can’t change my husband.
Practice makes progress.
Applying these verses to our daily life is the goal. We want to be obedient, but how do we obey? I want to share a very practical step we can take (that I remind myself to take daily). Whenever I have questions from ladies on what to do about a certain situation I ask “what has your husband said to do?” The answers I usually hear range from “I haven’t asked him”, to “he doesn’t care what I do”. This may seem simple but so often, we forget this basic step of talking to our husband and it is the foundation for all future growth in marriage. Communication is a daily endeavor. Really, a moment by moment endeavor. When we make a habit of communicating about everything (big or small) we build a habit of unity and trust. Sometimes it will take several conversations about the same topic in order to fully understand each other. “I tried and he didn’t understand”. Try again. You have to persevere just like you would with any other worthwhile endeavor. Godly communication is soaked with the fruits of the Spirit. Especially with patience. We are imperfect and so often we assume we are communicating well when we are just talking in circles or responding with emotions that have no foundation in truth. We need to grow in this every day. Good communication doesn’t happen overnight. It takes practice and patience and the goal must be unity with our husband. If the goal is to win or get our way, it all falls apart. Our heart will be exposed by how we handle it when our husband still decides to do something that we don’t want him to do. But I can assure you that the more you make this a habit, the more unity and growth you will have in your marriage. My husband buying a motorcycle was a result of long conversations where I was free to talk about my concerns. He was free to explain his side and we were able to fully understand each other. He makes the final decision and I submit. Not with a bad attitude or with an “I told you so” ready to share as soon as he fails. I submit to him because I am ultimately submitting to a sovereign God of the universe. This does not mean we can’t get outside help if we need it. It just means we start with our husband. If he gives you his thoughts and you still disagree, make a plan together for the next steps. That might mean that you agree to both seek outside help and come back with another conversation afterward. Your husband might say he doesn’t have a good answer for you so you should ask an older woman and come back to him with the ideas shared by the older woman. There are innumerable paths that you can take to come to better understanding but the final path is unity with your husband by way of submission and a quiet spirit.
In Conclusion:
So when my husband wants to buy a motorcycle (and take a multi-week trip across the backroads of America) I can give him my perspective (protective gear!) and I can be his helper in achieving his goal. He makes the decision and how I respond to him will either help him or “tear my home down with my own hands”. Proverbs 14:1.
